Apparently, and often sentences beginning with apparently really mean that “the following is bullsh1t”, the human brain is a prediction machine. Based on our experiences or gained knowledge we predict things.
Before arriving in Ross Vegas, I had bundles of expectations loosely based on what people had told me and what I had seen in various films based in Sin City. Clever me decided to avoid the potential wealth of information available online, sure the internet’s for losers, and I dear reader plan on being a winner while in Vice City.
What follows is my attempt to accurately portray common, no, not common, I meant popular opinions of the big V. I have run out of metaphors for the place, so lets all just go back to Vegas for convegaience. This portrail (or poor-trail wha wha) of Vegas will be a great reminder for those of you who have been here, an efficient disappoint for those of you who have yet to arrive here and a moderate distraction for those who have no intention of ever coming here but are just bored in work and thought they’d have a quick gander at this blog.
Context: hotel room in bally’s, 1.30am my time, 9.30am your time, July 4th for both of us, wow we’ve so much in common, what are you doing Friday? Sort of sobering up, hungry, sleepy.
My god it’s got so long and I haven’t even started on my first impressions and expectations theme, which leads me in to my first point which is size. The place is foking huge. So people tell you, its foking massive, you’ve seen photos, you know it’s big. Not until you are on the street and attempt to get to the casino or hotel across the road do you realise how big it is. While dodging American’s in their billion-litre *takes sip of vit c drink in attempt to combat sore throat* *doesn’t care if you simply hate people who still write actions inside asterixes* one can potter (it’s warmer than piss outside, I will not be running, zipping or nipping whilst here) across the street and realise the casino that one could see from one’s hotel room is in fact a mirage (remember we are in the desert here, mmm dessert) and is ten taxi journeys away.
These giant buildings seems so small and close, they’re bigger than everything you have ever seen combined, stuck together with flashy lights on top. They are a mind trick. They are ten taxi journeys away.
Hot so bloody 7uck!ng hot. Ah Ross FFS do you have to curse so much? Yes, yes I do, non cursing would give you the impression that the heat is tolerable. Without air conditioning I would be dead. Such a dependence on electricity, is both depressingly claustrophobic and er, eh, pressingly sobering. Lets face it, if there was no electricity we’d all be pretty much dead within a wee while anyway, in Vegas on the 4th of July when it’s 200degreesthat’swhytheycallmemisterFahrenheit your death will just be a bit quicker. Death Vegas style. So turn off that light champ, respect the energy dude.
Apologies for unnecessary interlude, please see context paragraph above. Sometimes it’s not so easy being me.
Anyways, back to AC. I have no idea whatsoever how people survived in this heat pre-AC. I feel like a Chinese dinner that has been passed from the tolerable icyness of the fridge to the arid yoursweatevaporatesimmediately heat of the oven one time too many. Lips cracked, nose and lungs achey, throat sore, skin failure imminent.
Time for Vegas Theory Number One me thinketh, so you have these air-conned casino’s the size of small planets pumping their hot air out on to the streets, I think the streets are artificially hot. Which brings me on to my next point, “eh where was the first ‘point’?” I hear you ask, okay, my next thing I will be tumbling away on: Artificialisation. Do not be fooled reader, everything there ever was started in Vegas. A conservative estimate would put Vegas at being approximately 6,000 years old. Caesar himself has a palace here, them crafty iTalianos robbed the idea for Venice from here, the Brazillians (the people of Brasil, not the pubeless) borrowed the entire concept of Rio from a casino just off the strip (oh there’s a fantastic pun in there somewhere) and even the Eygptians were in on the ripping off vegas game, they got the idea for the pyramids from our Nevada thinkers.
Las Vegas truly is the centre of the universe where all the great ideas of planet earth were first implemented. Don’t be fooled when you visit these seemingly older but artificial cities of Europe or deserts of north Africa, it happened here first and I’ve the photo’s to prove it.
The only mystery is how Las Vegas happened to be here long before the original and thus owning first white settlers arrived. That’s a question for some scientist and does not require your further thought sir, is the response I got from my friendly customs official. And sleep.
And back in the room. One of my fav creations of LV’s Founding Fathers is Paris which is just down the elevator and through the labarynth (spell check to be abandoned if I have any hope of posting this tonight) that goes between bally’s and “Paris”. Features include a metal tower type structure that looks a lot like the tower in blackpool and some crazily creative names included Le Café, Le Reception and Le Restrooms. SO clever are the LVFFs – they could have the fun of speaking like an eejit while keeping it accessible. The Real French meanwhile oh la la and ooh la bof at [interactive feature: finish this sentence yourself!]
Aside thought, there’s no homeless people in las vegas. How odd.
Poker
So I guess since you’re reading this far you’re really really bored. Man, go do something with your life, just work out what you want to do, focus on it and it can be achieved! Go for it!
But no, you’ll keep reading, this has to stop, billions of pages online and you’re the sucker, probably the only one left reading this rant. Think about it. Is this how you wanted your life to be? When you were six did you think you’d grow up to be a reader of the banal? A student of the mundane? A literary garbage disposal? Yeah? Really? Great, read on, lots more garbage to come.
Went to the Planet Hollywood poker room last night. Real slick casino, huge, lovely food, what feels like a six story feelings inside, eh that was meant to say ceilings, but why not have a six story feeling? I liked it that much. The dizzying carpet (so you’ll look at the gaming machines) and I-cant-get-out-of-your-money-robbin’-casino design not as obvious as the older casinos – real classy wood panelling and brown and cream carpets etc. very pleasant.
The poker room has giant, really low tables with funky comfy chairs that apparently, ahem, cost $750 each. We ended up at PH because bally’s and paris cancelled their tournaments because all their dealers were over at the WSOP. We also ended up here because it was the closest place, a quick zip zap boing over the hot coals from the door of Paris.
Played a $60 tournament, well the buy in options were $50 for $1,500 in chips or $60 for $4,000 *rubs moustache sarcastically* - answers why this is so, the buy in, not my rubbing to be posted below hombre.
106 runners, came 15th just outside the cash, made two mistakes, had some nice cards. Really enjoyable venue, nice staff, good atmos, clearly very weak players if I got as far as fifteenth. Overall gets a five stars and two thumbs up from me.
Tonight, well earlier tonight, or yesterday for you, after a very fortunate run of roulette at the Rio, yes my 30 red system is in full effect *watches vegas quiver and cower* we cabbed over to Caesars Palace to play the $120 (that would be $90 plus $30 reg fee, Ahem ahem ahem) was a bit tipsy and tired, NO FOOD available apparently (smells of BS to me in this case) in this 1000 room plus resort. Blood sugar low, K3 looks like good hand, cookie jar seems open, puts hand in cookie jar, puts other hand in cookie jar – gets bitched slapped. Stands up. Walks away. Donates money to roulette table. Walks back to bally’s experiencing insta-evaporating-sweat. Starts writing this muck.
WSOP
There’s also a larger poker event taking place in town called the Wasp. World Series of something, not sure, I hadn’t heard of it either. Just so happened to be a good few Irishes I know over there.
Rather nice decorated room, better than what you’d see in photos, giant place, cool atmos.
Bumped in to Brendan TV Murray from Card Player Europe, who was secretly delighted to have some paddies to listen to his whining about having to cross the road to buy a box of cigarettes (only kidding Bren I LOVE these stories)
Then met Andy Black who’s been playing every tournament and cash table in all of las vegas and some of the games at the bicycle in LA non stop for the past ten years it seems. Apparently there was what would be best described as a kafuffle earlier. Andy phsyichally threatening another player, dammit I missed it sounds interesting. Andy’s line on it was that it “was not a headlock” interpret as you will.
Then the familiar heads of separated Siamese twins Padraig Parkinson and Scott Gray were seen bobbling along through the main hall. Bit of banter with them, both seem in good spirits and relaxed, the perfect combo for a ginosauras tournament, I’ve decided they’ll both cash at the Wasp Main Event this year. Good for them.
On the way to the tilted kilt bar, we endured a card trick (although I use trick sparingly) from Mad Marty Wilson.
Discombobulated me sleep now, wont even read thru this – sorry that you felt you had to read this far. Please now turn off your computer and go for a walk. Rain is not an excuse, oh how I’d love some rain! Me gone. Manana peace out.
A tumble is a typed mumble, some buildings actually have the word mirage written above them, do not be fooled, they are real. McClarren airport is right beside the strip, did not expect that.
