This is the third and final episode of my 2008 Las Vegas stories. I sent this particular message on 21st August 2008, after spending 10 weeks in Las Vegas. As you will discover, in that short time I encountered a veritable array of America’s sad mad and bad, and so based on the theme of “America’s Ten Most Wanted”, I gave this the title “America’s Ten Most Stupid”. Like last week’s entry, it a fair old read, but I promise if you get to the end it will make you chuckle.
So without further ado…..
Right this has taken me absolutely ages so I hope you like it! There’s a very good chance this is my last post. I’m outta here on 27 August 2008 so I’ll have no more material after that. I’ve had the best 10 weeks of my life and it’s been great to share it with you lads and ladies. And I only dropped $1600 at poker so after rake and fees I’m almost a break even player LOL!
Thanks for all the kind comments which have kept me coming back. Anyway, cut to the chase……….
Walk into any poker room when a tournament is being played. What do you hear ? We all know the answer. The shuffling of chips right, the clickety click of thousands of chips being handled? True, but now listen some more and tell me what you hear? Can you hear it? There’s one !
WOWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
There’s another !
WOWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Yes its the WOWs. Give it a couple of minutes and you are guaranteed to hear one. The dealer flips a card over and lays it out on the table and then you hear “WOwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww” It’s not a “Wow” said with any surprise. It’s a long drawn out “Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”. This was one of the first things I noticed when I got here. The key to a good “Wowwwww” is the absolute lack of any expression. Picture a man sitting on the bank of the Mississippi with a straw in his mouth and a fishing rod. He only knows one word - “dog”. He’s been sat there for 20 years without moving. Picture him without any eye movement just saying “Dawwg” repeatedly and you get the picture, just change the word to “Wowwww”.
I think some American poker commentator started all this off. He’d say it when a card was dealt that gave both players a good hand. “Wowwwwwwwww”. When you think about it, there’s nothing amazing about this at all - it happens all the time. Still, for whatever reason, people have taken to copying this and now its the height of fashion. They love it. There’s no event too trivial for a Wowwwwwwww. “ALL IN - I CALL” Someone has AK and someone has QQ, just about the most common thing in poker. Wowwwwwwww
Here’s an example. I played a single table $275 satellite at the Rio (my solitary attempt at WSOP glory) and a bloke raised preflop and was called in 2 places. Flop was K105. He bet again and he was called by both players. On the turn a King appeared to give K105K. He bets again. This time he was raised and the third player immediately moved all in.
What does he say? Of course he says
“Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”
Now we all KNOW that he has AA and that his pocket rockets have been well and truly cracked. If the raiser was bluffing the man who is all in certainly isn’t. Your AA is toast so just muck it my friend. So of course he umms and arrrs and takes 2 minutes to finally fold, just to make it really obvious he is folding aces and isn’t he so unlucky and can we please feel sorry for him? The opponents show KQ and K10 and you just KNOW what card fell on the river. LOL yes an ACE. He picks up his dead hand from the muck and shows his aces craving sympathy.
Guess what I said? Heee heeee heee
“Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”
Well it was too good an opportunity to miss. So why DO people say this? I’ve thought about why they might and I’ve come up with some possible explanations:
1 - they thought to say it themselves and they definitely aren’t copying anyone at all;
2 - they say it to sound “cool” ;
3 - they haven’t really thought about why they say it - they just say just because everyone else does ; or
4 - they have absolutely no idea what comes out of their mouths because they are literally brain dead.
We know the answer is 3 but it’s been scientifically proven to be a mixture of 3 and 4. If people on TV started saying “arsebeard” in a woman’s voice these people would probably start saying that too. In fact there’s no “probably” about it - they would. Anyways, this email is devoted to the people who sit in category 4, the great un-brained. In reverse order - America’s Ten most stupid. First though, consider this little stat: 12% of American voters think that Barack Obama is a Muslim. That was from 16 August 2008 Las Vegas review Journal. I mean how many Muslims are there insane enough to think they would win an election in America? Even the ones who are nuts enough to blow themselves up aren’t that stupid. Yet one in 8 Americans think that such a person has made it down to the last 2 in the presidential race. Oh well.
It’s a pity I don’t walk about with a video camera because I’d just love to show you the evidence of some of these, particularly our friend at number 2. This was an image I will take to the grave with me. It makes me laugh whenever I recall it and it will always fill me with joy to know that people as ridiculous as this actually exist. If we are lucky, number 1 might make the television (it definitely will but you might not hear the crucial part) but we’ll have to see. Anyway, here goes, in reverse order.
Number 10 - Jesus Hates You
The Fremont Street experience is a great place. It’s about 500m long and 50 feet above you is this white semicircular roof. This roof doubles up as a TV screen, the biggest in the world (at about 60 feet across and 5 football pitches long). During the night they have “light shows”, where they show images of people gambling, raunchy women and music videos on the half million watt sound system. There are several thousand people gawping up at what’s on this huge screen.
This is where our friends at number 10 (there are 2 of them, let’s call them dumb and dumber) decide to make their pitch, in full view of thousands of people in the middle of the gambling capital of the world. They say absolutely nothing, but carry placards high in the air which say, and I quote word for word (all spelling errors are the authors’ - well I did warn you these people weren’t that bright):
WARNING: Homosexuals, fornicators, muslims, drunkards, liars, Catholics, Jews and money lovers, Hell is real ! You must be born again. OBEY JESUS, not Satan. Be forgiven and baptized. The end is near (See Cor 6, 9-11, Rom 1, Heb 1:9). Our born again friend has a mate who stands nearby and his T-shirt says “Repent or Perish” on the front and “Jesus hates sin” on the back (big sellers in Vegas I’m sure). He carries a placard which says:
WW JD - WHO WILL JESUS DESTROY
Disobedient to parents
inventers of evil things
homosexuals
haters of God
unforgiving liars
backbiter thieves
proud drunks
unmerciful boasters
unrighteous idolaters
deceitful adulterers
effeminate revilers
fearful unbelieving
covetous sorcerers
malicious whoremongers
HELL IS FULL OF BOTH PAGAN AND RELIGIOUS WHO THOUGHT JESUS WOULD NOT JUDGE SIN
Although the daft twats are ASKING “Who will Jesus Destroy” I think it’s safe bet what they are trying to tell us that Jesus WILL destroy all the above. So that’s sorted then. Personally I love the little catch all “inventers of evil things”. I can just see Jesus up the great waiting room upstairs slipping on his knuckleduster in preparation for the queue of “evil inventers” to stream in. “Gun?” CRACK, “Rubiks cube?” SMACK. And effeminate “REVILERS”? Ha ha ha. These clowns are insane on so many levels. For one, standing in the middle of Vegas making their point. And then for urging us to turn to this psycho called Jesus who will commit holy blitzkrieg on anyone who committed the crime of being “disobedient to their parents”. I might become one of their disciples and stand there in a “Jesus hates you” T Shirt chanting : “You’re gonna get your f***ing heads kicked in” or “You’re going home in a Jesus ambulance”. This Jesus character doesn’t appear to have much time for minority groups either. And that’s what really cracks me up. Both these blokes are black.
Number 9 - “I have a pHD”
This bloke irritated me so much and as I didn’t abuse him in any way shape or form at the time I’m going to let rip now. Playing 1-3 no limit in Binions Horseshoe this berk limped in first position with 95 offsuit and when it was raised to 20 said “I just have to see a flop with this” so 3 people went to the flop. Flop was 952 and he shoved all in. He was called by a guy with 97 who was short stacked and the river card was a 7. He rounds on the dealer and accuses him of stitching him up for the millionth time that night “why can’t you give me any cards - you been doing that all night!” Of course it’s the dealer’s fault he decided to play 95 for a raise out of position. Then he tells the dealer to “SHUFFLE THAT DECK PROPERLY - SPREAD THEM AROUND” even though they use shuffling machines.
At this point a Chinese bloke starts ribbing him and they start arguing. This bickering is so annoying I think about leaving but how can I? 95 man had seen every flop for whatever the raise is and is a complete mug. I’m hardly likely to walk to another table and find a better game. But his loud stupid rude annoying outbursts are so annoying. So of course when I am in the big blind I get AJs and this joker raises to 10 under the gun. He is called in 2 places and I decide to steal what’s out there. I figure I actually have the best hand as well. No-one is giving this clown any respect so they don’t need much to call with. I reckon I’m ahead but I just want them to fold. I raise to 50 and our hero calls and so does the Chinese guy (a short stack who is now all in). Ooops. Now the flop is A93. Well it’s do or die, I have 180 left so lets hope our hero has 1010 or something. I’m not optimistic that I can beat both players here but if I can win a sidepot from the loud guy I’ll be happy. So I bet 100 and loudmouth moves all in for 130. I know I’m beaten but I must call the extra $30 because I am totally committed to the pot. And guess what - he has AA. It’s a case of the saying “even a blind squirrel picks up a nut once in a while” coming true at the worst time. And it’s costing me all my money, bar $50. He starts giving it the big one to the chinese bloke, shouting and generally being a terrible winner. He doesn’t even tip the dealer he’s been berating. This all happened at the end of 7 consecutive losing cash sessions before this and although I’ve played it badly this bloke would annoy me if I was 10k ahead. I am fuming. I decide to not even tilt off the $50 I have left or rebuy. I pick up my paltry few chips to leave. I’m going to sulk for 10 minutes and have a buffet. But as I’m leaving the two players are at it again, arguing away when number 9 says the classic line “Don’t insult my intelligence man - I have a pHD”.
A pHD???? I can’t believe what I’m hearing. He has asked the dealer to shuffle the cards even though he KNOWS there is a shuffling machine, as if he honestly believes the dealer could set up a 95 and 97 to consecutive players, deal a flop containing a 9 and a 5 and put a 7 on the river (between the burn cards). And then actually predict he would be stupid enough to play the 95 from early position. That is genius! Who does he think will believe he has a pHD? And what is his pHD in I wonder? Well it’s not a pHD in poker that’s for sure. I played with a 26 year old bloke from California (think American version of an Essex wideboy) who loudly told the whole table he was a retired multimillionaire who made it all through real estate and had invested all his proceeds in GE shares (LOL good luck with that one). Hmmm yeah, playing 1-2 in downtown Binions. And I’ll believe the Californian before I believe number 9 has a pHD.
Like I say, I didn’t say anything at the time and I bitterly regret not doing so. So I promise if I ever see him again this is what I will tell him: “Number nine, you are one of the biggest morons I have ever had the misfortune to meet in my life. You have AIDS of the brain, BRAIDS, probably brought on from watching too much Oprah Winfrey and Jerry Springer. You are so unbelievably stupid you give hope to the cheering goons that sit in the audience of the Jerry Springer Show. You think Michael Jackson isn’t a paedophile. In a country that elected George Bush not once but twice, rednecks in NASCAR tank tops look down on you as intellectually inferior. Now please eff off and get away from me in case your BRAIDS is contagious”.
I will say this verbatim to him if I ever play at his table again. But I’ve never seen him since that day. I expect he went broke and decided to head back to academia and write a book called “Why Poker is Fixed”.
Number 8 - Older and NOT Wiser
Very similar to the above, this was a case of a very very grumpy superstitious old woman I played Omaha with (she also had a penchant for abusing dealers). She was an even worse player than Number 9. You must be wondering how I’m not a millionaire with all these rubbish players, but there aren’t players like this at every table. They are a real rarity and typically they go broke about 2 minutes after I sit down. Like number 9, I only encountered this lady once but my mate Bob Kearse told me she once lost $1000 at 3-6 in a single session (Bob’s the best Omaha hi-lo player in Binions. He was so gutted he missed her). I don’t feel quite the same level of animosity towards her as I do number 9. Maybe because I didn’t lose money to her. Maybe because she didn’t give it the big one when she won a pot. Maybe because she is very old and she will be dead soon. I don’t know. I certainly wouldn’t want to be rude to her and chase her away from the game anyway.
She plays any 4 cards for any raise preflop. Even 9666 in a capped pot. One particular hand a guy holds 1010A2 and flops 1010K. She’s in there till the river with her 2 pair (Kings and 10s LOL) and loses to the quads. 3 or 4 hands later the flop is QQQ. She calls the raise on the river and guess what? Someone has the case queen (SO HARD TO TELL LOL). She turns to the dealer and says
“Will you shuffle those damn cards properly. First you deal 4 tens and now 4 queens”
I’m not even going to begin to try to understand what her thought processes were. She demanded a new deck and when the dealer explained it was only a few hands old she refused to speak to him (he was Asian and she didn’t like Asians) and demanded the dealer called the floor supervisor over.
A little postcript to number 8. She caught a royal flush (I’ve seen two in 8 weeks!). Must have been the new deck. I was almost expecting her to check the river but she did bet. So there’s at least 2 blind squirrels in Las Vegas !
Number 7 - Eight’s infinity
On the 8th August 2008 the date was, well it was 8/8/8. Amazing hey? Well some people think it is, Chinese people especially, because they believe that the number 8 brings good luck. So on 8/8/8 in the very early hours when I walked into my hotel room and flicked on the telly there was this news item. They were showing people queuing up to get married at the wedding chapels in downtown Vegas. They were choc-a-bloc and they opened at midnight on 8/8/8 to cope with the demand. People had flown in from China especially for the occasion so they could get a short notice, probably not legally binding, wedding just for “luck”.
They interviewed this really smug, fat Chinese bloke. He’s what my mate Heath calls ABC. American Born Chinese. I played a tournament with a very attractive ABC girl a few weeks ago. She hardly said a word for ages. Then this bloke says “Hey honey, you don’t say much do you, what’s your name?” And I was expecting her to say say quietly “It’s Xiang Wang” or something in a Chinese accent. “Apple”, she says brashly and loudly in the most American accent you could imagine. Then she unleashed a stream of bona fide Yankee speak. It was so funny to hear her talk like that.
Anyway this ABC bloke on TV is with his wife, just married and the news reporter asks him the very reasonable question:
“So why is 8 so special” ?
ABC looks at him REALLY smugly, so knowingly it’s almost a derisory look as if to say “you idiot” and tried to be all mysterious or clever or coy or I don’t know what he was trying to pretend to be and he says:
“Eight’s important…[ PAUSES AND LOOKS REALLY SMUG ]. Eight’s infinity man”
[this was the end of interview]
Oh well that explains it then. It’s so obvious now you explain it like that isn’t it? I mean what was I thinking even wondering why hundreds of you decided to get married purely on the basis on the date having lots of 8s in it? Because it’s IMPORTANT. Ah I see, everything is clear now. And WHY is it “important”? - because you said so. Oh of course I get it now. And because it’s “infinity”. What does that even mean?
If you put the number 8 on its side and stretch it out a bit it looks like the mathematical symbol for “infinity”, an infinitely large number. Sorry, correction, I just remembered the words of my old maths teacher (RIP) “Infinity is a CONCEPT, not a number”. Those were the words of Mr Woijick, my old maths teacher, a Polish born gay scouser who died of AIDS (you don’t get many scouse Polish dead AIDS victims who were really good at Maths. Their number is NOT infinite, in fact I would say it is finite. I suppose in a Venn diagram with four sets called Scousers (S), Poles (P), Maths teachers (M) and AIDS victims (A) the intersection of (S,P,M, A) who had AIDS would be very small indeed, although the rate of growth of this subset could well be faster than in previous years - hey, did I just use a third derivative in one of my pointless emails? Mr Woijick would be proud of me, if he wasn’t so dead from AIDS that is. Fancy remembering all this maths? Well at least Mr Woijick didn’t die in vain.
But I stray from the point. What was my point? I forget.
Oh yes, if anyone wants to try to explain to me exactly why the number eight is so important I am all ears. If you believe in 8 being “important” because it’s “infinity man”, please do come and explain it all to me. And once you’ve explained it I’ll give you a load of abuse as well.
So Mr Smugness, I hope you have a happy marriage and a nice life but you to be fair, you are a daft twat. You probably think Michael Jackson isn’t a paedo too. You think he just “loves kids” and that he is living out the “childhood that he never had”. (Why do people say this? Was he put in a deep freeze for 10 years?) And you think both of those things because you heard other people say them. But when you say this so earnestly in his defence you really do believe you sound intelligent and aren’t just trotting out some hackneyed old boll0cks. Next election you will vote for Barack Obama because Oprah Winfrey told you to. That is if you are able to read the voting form you imbecile. And for that you can go at number SEVEN.
There’s a little postcript to this entry as well. On 9 August I played with a young Chinese bloke at the Wynn. I was talking about this number 8 subject and he said he knew 2 people who had got married the day before. I asked him straight out what all this 8 business was about. “Eights are very lucky yes” was his reply. I looked at him as if he were about to continue but he didn’t. Well that’s settled then I suppose, I’m buying it if you say so with such water tight logic. It’s an axiom, not an opinion, silly me. Within an hour he had AJ on a board with J88. He bet the flop, the turn (2) and the river (Jack for a J882J board). His opponent made the call on the river for his last money and showed A8, lost and left. “Well eights weren’t lucky for him” I said after the opponent had gone. And the Chinese bloke shot me a filthy look and didn’t speak to me again ! He really did not find that amusing even though he’d had the living luck LOL. Maybe he wanted his opponent to win the hand with his 8s. Maybe he was just angry because I didn’t understand how important 8 was.
Number 6 - Pocket 10s
Pocket 10s. Supposedly the 5th best starting hand in poker. You probably know by now that I’m not superstitious but I get nervous when I am dealt 1010. I could write a short book about pocket 10s just from the experience of this trip. When I have them, strange things happen. When I get my first card and see it’s a 10, I have palpitations. This is because the odds of the second card being a 10 are not 3 in 51, they are 100%. Then the odds on me raising and being called in 5 places, the flop being AKQ, me folding and the turn and river being 10 and 10 are 100%. It’s fair to say I have lost a bit with pocket 10s on this trip but it’s just the way the hands have turned out that makes this my bogey hand.
Binions have a $10000 guaranteed tournament on Saturdays and Sundays for a $110 buy in. It usually attracts 100 or so runners. I’ve played it a few times but never made the final table. Anyway, on this occasion I was dealt pocket 10s in the small blind. There were 27 of the 110 runners left and I only had about 6 big blinds. The blind and antes were huge at 1000-2000 and 200 antes so if I could just win those, with the blinds off me I’d be OK for a while. The big stack in the big blind might even call me and double me up. I’m definitely shoving with this hand and I’m definitely calling a shove. Here goes. Then the tournament director comes to our table and says “I need your big blind to come with me” (remember I am in the SMALL blind). The tables needed the same number on each table and the big blind was being moved. So out went the big blind. “Damn” I thought, “I was going to have that”. I watched the action as the betting started. Fold fold fold fold fold fold fold fold. It’s on me but there’s no sodding big blind there to steal because he’s just gone to another table, so I say “sh1t” and flip over my tens face up. Then I realise that I am getting strange looks from everyone on the table. Including the big blind ! WHAT! Where the #### did he spring from? There was no big blind a minute ago. “Where the #### did you spring from?” I ask the big blind, who can’t quite believe what’s happening. “Been here all the time” he says. And he has too, I recognise him.
Of course what has happened is what SHOULD have happened but I was too much of a novice to realise and too unobservant to see what was happening with my own eyes. The next player simply posted the big blind. “But that guy came and took out the big blind” I protest, pointing in vain at the tournament director. “There was no big blind when I looked !” Of course I’m desperate for everyone not to think I’m stupid enough to lay down 10s in this spot. The dealer puts me straight “Sir, there is ALWAYS a big blind”. Me laying them down face up counts as a fold and the big blind takes the pot. AAAAAAGGGGRHHHHHHHH.
This is when America’s most stupid number 6 rears his head. The player to my right says “Man you shouldda gone all in”, as if he were somehow giving me helpful advice. Deep breath time. To say his timing was poor is a tiny wee understatement. I already feel like the biggest mug in the world and everyone at the table probably thinks likewise. Moving in was an automatic play here, a child could tell you that. And here is this berk telling me the most bleeding obvious thing when all I want to do is disappear from the face of the earth and not speak to anyone.
I was completely silent. What I ought to have said was: “DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT I SAID YOU IMBECILE?” etc etc. I should have reeled off the “number 9″ speech and give him both barrels. And say that he’s probably the sort of bloke who lets his kids drink Jesus juice round Mickey Js ranch and Mickey J is OK but is “just misunderstood”. Tell him that he probably likes Michael Jackson music to boot. But I couldn’t. Why? Because people in glass houses ……awwwwwwwww.
Number 5 - Yours Truly
Me, for obvious reasons listed above. Come on, even Rolls Royces break down sometimes. Right?
Right?
Right??
Number 4 - Deal me in
I feel a bit bad including this chap at number 4, or at any number for that matter. I’d rather have people I don’t like or who have done something bad in the list (it’s OK I will make up for this guy by including Russ Hamilton at number 3). But this bloke earned his place fair and square even though he was doing me a favour.
Having ballsed up the Binions tournament I thought I would never win one there. I was desperate to win one not only for the money but more a much higher purpose - the winner gets a T-shirt saying “I won a Texas Holdem tournament at Binions”. LOL. Now every dog has it’s day and 6 August 2008 just happened to be mine. But I needed a little help. It came in the shape of number 4, a nice guy in his late 50s.
We were down to the final three in the tournament, the Binions 2am $50 entry with 18 runners LOL. First prize was about $400. The player in third is crippled with just 2200 chips (there are 54000 in play and I have 8000 of them). The blinds were 1000-2000 and I was in the small blind. The short stack shoves all in and I call, knowing that the other guy (our number 3) will also call the 200 extra and then we will check it down right ? Wrong.
“Fold” he says and I splutter out loud as if to say “What on earth are you doing?” The dealer too, Bruce, gives the man a very queer look. It’s 200 more you moron - to win about 7000 but also it’s a great chance to gang up on the short stack and finish him off. There is no hand too bad to make this call. It’s trivial, it’s automatic and what do you lose, 200 chips from your 44000 stack?
But hang on it’s OK. I have J9 and the other player has 10h9h. Not so good when the flop is 7h8h3d and the turn is the Jh for a straight flush ! So now I’m about joint third and I just have to say something. I try to be polite and said “I thought you’d call that for 200″. Then he gets all defensive and said “What’s the point, you’d already called!” Oh well, no value labouring the point. He just doesn’t get it so I decide to button it. Next hand he eliminates the other player and we are finally heads up. I have 8000 chips and he has 46000 chips. I know exactly how I’m playing this - ALL IN, no questions. I’m not even going to look at my cards. I push all in and he says to me:
“Wanna chop?”
Let’s get this right. He has me outchipped by more than 5-1 and he wants to split the first prize 50-50? This is where I summoned up my best poker face of the last 2 months, so I don’t laugh out loud at the sheer generosity of this deal. I certainly don’t want to offend him now. So like I was driving a hard bargain, I say “OK, but can I have the T-Shirt please?”. He laughs and says “Only if I can have the seat to the Monthly”. The deal is agreed in 0.00003 seconds.
I should mention at this point something about Binions tournaments. 2% is taken from each tournament prize pool and every tournament winner is invited to a big end of month tournament. If the winner can’t go it must be someone from the final table. Now when the guy in 9th place was knocked out he said “Hey guys I live local. I don’t expect you’ll all be here in September to play the champions tournament. I can play if yous can’t”. So I said to him. “Sure fella, if I win you can have my seat”. So now this guy is rooting for me and he pops over from his cash game every so often to check I’m still in. Of course, my final opponent also wants to play the monthly because he is also local. So now I’ve got to break the news to the 9th man out that I’ve completely backtracked on my earlier promise and he can’t have the seat any more. But he took it well and said he’d have done the same.
LOL, wanna chop? DONE Sir! Bless him. I’ll be rooting for him in the monthly
Number 3 - Russ Hamilton - Ultimate Pratt
You might not have heard of Russ Hamilton or the Ultimate Bet scandal so I’ll say a little bit about it first. Russ Hamilton is a very very fat man. A real fat lump of dog turd to be sure. His picture sits on the wall at Binions Casino. He was the main event winner in the 1994 World Series of Poker and he copped $1million for first prize for his efforts. So that’s who he is. Here’s a picture of him: http://www.pokerplayerpress.com/images/90_russ_hamilton_94.jpg
Ask yourself, would you trust this man ? That’s what I asked myself when I looked at all the main event winners hanging on the wall in Binions. And that was before I knew what I’m about to tell you (honest!)
As for the Ultimate Bet scandal, lots of high limit players have been swindled badly by account “superusers” on the Ultimate Bet site. The “superusers” (I’ve never liked that word so I’ll just call them cheats instead) were actually able to see the opponents cards so you can imagine the havoc they wreaked. One of these “cheats” is apparently none other than Russ Hamilton. Russ Hamilton used to be a part owner of Ultimate Bet before the company was sold in October 2006.
A little bit of history here. 1994 was the 25th anniversary of the WSOP and so Jack Binion, ever the marketing man, decided to present the winner with his weight in silver as an extra prize. Russ Hamilton was a porker in any case at about 18 stone before the event started but when he heard about this special offer he decided to get to work. Come the final table he had stuffed and gorged enough pies and burgers to raise his gargantuan frame up to 350 pounds, a mammoth 25 stone. And how much did this win him? LOL - $28000. Apparently Jack Binion, who was known to be a wee bit tight fisted, was due to come down to watch heads up play on the final day. He called the casino and instead of asking who the last 2 players were he just asked “what do they last two guys weigh?” and wasn’t best pleased when he got the answer - one is 145lbs and the guy who’s winning is about 350lbs !
So despite his million and whatever else he was worth he still felt the need to cheat on Ultimate Bet like a dirty scumbag. But how do we know he is guilty, I hear you cry? Well you know they say there’s no smoke without fire. The papers here have all but declared him guilty and seeing as he hasn’t issued any lawsuits yet I’m assuming he is. What an absolute wrongun.
And the evidence? Well he set up the cheating accounts and used them from his own house in Las Vegas. Who’s a clever boy ?
The greedy cheating prick. Well I suppose it’s possible burglars did break in and set up the accounts and then break in again when he was out to play them from his house again and again and again. It’s quite plausible and I’m sure there’s not a jury in the land who won’t believe you when you try that defence Russell.
So I don’t think you’ll be hearing Phil Hellmuth banging on about Ultimate Bets integrity quite as enthusiastically as he used to. He still accepts the Ulimate Bet shilling and apparently both he and Annie Duke (also still on the UB payroll) have been aware of Hamilton’s involvement for months and not said a word. Such great ambassadors for the game !
Barry Greenstein has publicly urged the fatty cheat to come out and defend himself on the radio but he has declined to do so. Instead he offered Greenstein round to his house (that’ll the place he does all the cheating from) for an “informal chat” but insisted that his lawyer be present. Well how informal! Nothing whatsoever to hide then. I know BG is generous but getting behind fat boy is being ultra generous even by his standards.
Of course, this matter will go before the courts at some point so I had better be careful what I say. Russ Hamilton, you are guilty of being a very, very fat cheat. But on the bright side, you are THAT stupid you make us all laugh. You are so stupid you were probably the foreman of the jury in the Michael Jackson padeo trial.
Talking of famous poker players disgracing themselves an dishonourable mention must go to David Sklansky. I used to think Sklansky as some sort of moral authority on the game, like a headmaster both because of the way he looks and the way he writes. You know, I think of him having integrity.
The guy I’m sharing a place with goes to dealer school and the teacher there is a famous ex-dealer, Tony Shelton, who has dealt to all the great players. Apparently Sklansky never used to pay his blinds and would dodge in and out and the blind came. Allegedly, it’s because of Sklansky the “missed blind” button was invented. Once upon a time, years back this guy got some backchat from Sklansky and shot back at him quick as a flash. “Easy David. I remember when we used to call you Dirty Dave”. Lol, apparently he used to actually not wash for days on end. But it’s his dirty mind that really makes me laugh.
I won’t go into details but it’s all there to be googled. Just type in Sklansky Brandi Hawbaker to see what’s being said about him. Just imagine a dirty old man, say Gary Glitter. Multiply by Barry George and raise to the power of 100 Leslie Granthams with a webcam in a BBC dressing room all knocking one out. Both sides of the equation should approximately balance (I think). SK = (GG*BG)^(100*LG)
Suffice to say Sklansky jokes are in vogue and he is mentioned at least every 5 minutes when I’m around.
Number 2 - Hey nice pavement !
This one was scary at first. I was just off Fremont Street and it’s obviously a very dangerous place to be late at night. I was heading towards Binions when I heard this noise. It was “AAAAGH, AAAAGGGGH”. I looked up and there’s a guy staggering towards me across the road as the lights changed. Erratic as you like. I was at a crossroads walking my bike across the street and because I felt danger imminent I crossed directly to the other side of the road on my bike. It took me about 5 seconds to realise there was no danger. He was HAMMERED. And the AAAAAGHs got bigger after he had crossed road. He staggered into this metal thing at the edge of the street, staggered off balance, fell and hit the deck like a sack of sh1t. AAAAAGH, AAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAAGH. Now he was rolling around like he had been shot, giving an AAAAAGH every couple of seconds.
I walked on about 40-50 yards and he stayed on the deck still going “AAAAGH”. I got to a dingy old casino where there was a security man out the back having a smoke. I stopped and took a look at the bloke on the floor. So did the security guard. AAAAAGH AAAAAAAGH he was yelling while rolling about on the floor. He was face down on the pavement. He did a big hip thrust into the concrete - AAAAAGH. Then still for a second. Then another thrust AAAAAGH AAAGH and he gets into a little rhythm. AAAAGH AAGGHHH. He’d been on the deck for a good minute by this time as I’d been walking very slowly watching the drama unfold.
I looked round at the security guard and he had exactly the same pose as me. Hand on his chin and he was just gazing at this drug crazed lunatic with his mouth wide open. This nutter is actually trying to shag the pavement ! He was fully dressed, but there is no doubt as to his intentions. Even Sklansky wouldn’t do that in public ! Not even Michael Jackson after a night on the Jesus juice!
There’s a million things you could say in this spot, yet so little need to say anything at all. Me and the guard clock each other, give a little shrug and I ride off into the night. I’ll be back to Vegas next near. I’ll check out the street to see if the pavement has borne him a a child. And if it has, I’ve a feeling what it’s first words are.
“Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”
Number 1 -You need a jack !
Now this will be on the TV but whether the important bit will remains to be seen. It was something said by one of the crowd during the WSOP main event. Usually the sound is blocked out as they go to the flop so I expect it won’t. But you live in hope !
I went to the Rio to watch the last knockings of the WSOP. I was at the feature table, TV cameras everywhere and they were down to 13 players. It was very tense as you can imagine because the last 9 will all make fortunes in endorsements over and above the prize money they will get. The short stack had 3.5m and the blinds were roughly 50k-100k with a 10k ante. I don’t remember exactly but the standard preflop raise was 450-500k. Anyway, the short stack gets itchy feet and makes his move. There are 7 players at the table and he announces ALL IN. A bloke with a hairy face called Ylon calls him. “Turn them over”. The short stacked guy absolutely detested that call and it was obvious.
Ylon has AdKd. Short stack has AsJs. There was a huge gasp of excitement as the call was made and another burst of noise when the cards went face up. The hundreds of hands you see on TV proceed straight to the flop at this point. But not when you watch it live. They need to position all the cameras on the correct players before they flop the cards. This takes a little while. It seemed to take about 20-30 seconds in this case which must be torture for the players. The second burst of noise had subsided by now and there was absolute silence. I mean TOTAL silence. You could hear a pin dropping in the auditorium as the man with the microphone instructed the dealer to go. Then the silence was punctuated by this :
“You need a Jack”
LOOLOLOLOL
And he said it so earnestly as well ! He was saying it as if somehow it were news, something the player needed to know, something that would help him. This guy has got past 6500 players to get this far and some complete no mark is telling him something that transcends the bleedin obvious.
I really hope that makes the TV. I’m amazed there wasn’t roars of laughter at this moron. But I suspect the audience were mostly friends and family and were so nervous they were probably holding their breath. Maybe they just don’t know a good joke when they hear one because this was absolutely hilarious.
I would like to take this opportunity to tell “You need a Jack” man from the audience: “my friend, you let your kids have sleepovers at Michael Jackson’s house and when Mickey J offers you 14million not to go to court you believe it’s because he is really innocent but going to court would be ‘really stressful’ and 14 million is a small price to pay to avoid the inconvenience”.
You make Jade Goody look positively bright and she sitting at home asking why she caught Pisces.
There’s a postscript to this story:
With the wise words of Solomon echoing through the auditorium the dealer put out a flop of:
Q106
Still need a Jack against that AK ?
Laters
If you’ve made it this far, I applaud you. That was an extremely long email. It took me absolutely ages to write it! And for the record, the $1600 I dropped was reduced to just $216 after a few winning sessions at the Bellagio, a happy hunting ground for me where I am 7 from 7 winning sessions in my lifetime. So I really did almost break even, which is OK for someone who doesn’t even realise there must always be a big blind in every hand! Unfortunately, Russ Hamilton has yet to face criminal charges for his thieving activities. I haven’t even heard news that he has been given a slap yet. There’s no justice!
And don’t worry if you feel there was an historical feel to this trip down memory lane. When I checked the news this week all I discovered was that:
Caster Semenya is still a woman;
George Michael still can’t drive; and
Phil Hellmuth is still an attention seeking clown.
The astute amongst you will notice that I have a bit of a dig at the unfortunate Jade Goody and Michael Jackson in this tale. And we all know what happened to them don’t we? Within a year of me writing this, both of them were dead.
The good die young eh?
Now I don’t claim to have any foresight or prescience in these matters and of course there’s no relationship between what I write and some third party’s fate. But notwithstanding that, you probably wouldn’t want me to tempt fate by writing things about you. I suppose you might say that you might be worried if I gave you a verbal savaging.
Then I remembered I said this to a particularly loathsome journalist:
And you know, one day the police will break down the front door of your filth ridden house to discover you in your string vest with your pants around your ankles and a half eaten large mixed kebab on the floor with some DVD filth on a loop on your TV. Cause of death being a stress induced coronary caused by hearing the latest immigration statistics while knocking one out over a picture of Enoch Powell. It will happen I promise you, just mark my words.
I wonder if he’s OK?
