I heard a funny one the other day: my girlfriend is so fat that when she fell down the stairs last night I thought Eastenders was starting.
We’ll be getting on to Eastenders soon enough but I shall begin with a couple of poker anecdotes which I heard about this week. Poker players love prop bets and challenges and this week I learned of two unusual ones. The first one involves three poker playing mates - Joe Sebok, Gavin Smith, and Jeff Madsen.
The bet is a form of “last longer” bet that poker players sometimes do in tournaments. The tournament in question is the 2010 LA Poker Classic and the losers of this bet will have to get a tattoo. It gets worse. The first person to bust out will have to get the faces of the remaining two players tattooed on his body (I don’t know exactly which body part). The second person to bust will only have to get the remaining player’s face tattooed, and of course, the one who wins the bet comes out of it unscathed.
So the three of them will each have a pretty much 66% chance that he will end up with a tattoo of at least one man’s face on his body. He could get AA cracked by KK on the very first hand of the tournament and because of that have a tattoo of two blokes’ faces on his back for life. The lucky winner won’t get a tattoo of a man on his body. (And that, as far as I can see, is the only upside, unless you are weird enough to consider “upside” to mean seeing your own face tattooed on another man’s body).
Can you imagine in the year 2045 when Joe Sebok is sitting at the pool with a Jeff Madsen tattoo on his arm and his grandchildren ask:
“Hey Granpa Sebok, who’s that guy you got tattooed on your arm? Was he famous, did he play baseball? Was he the President or something?”
“No kids. It’s Jeff Madsen, a bloke who won some poker tournaments at the turn of the century”.
“You prick Grandad”
“Yep”
But it has potential to get worse, much worse, in fact nightmarishly worse. Let’s say for argument’s sake that you did that bet with a young Gary Glitter, a man so hated that record shops removed his albums from stock out of disgust for him. Imagine what would happen to you if you walked into the Bricklayers Arms with a tattoo of Glitter on your neck? It might seem OK doing these things on the spur of the moment but you just never know what the future has in store when you get a geezer’s face tattooed on your body.
I think that to spice this bet up a bit they should stipulate that the first man out should have the tattoo done on a different body part according to what hand he was beaten with. The unluckier the demise, the more prominent the body part should be. So if you got one pair beaten by two pair, no dramas there - have it done on the sole of your foot. But if you got three of a kind beaten by a full house, well you have to have it done on your chest. And so on.
They could also stipulate that the earlier you got knocked out in the tournament the bigger the tattoo had to be. So if you did well, made the final table but your mate did even better, it could be the size of a stamp. But if you go out on the third level, you have to get a photograph sized tattoo done.
This could get dangerous. Imagine you are Joe Sebok and you get a straight flush turned over by a Royal Flush on the first hand. Subsequently, many years later Jeff Madsen does an Ian Huntley, while all the time you’ve got a massive tattoo on his grinning mug on your forehead?
See the dangers…?
But that would teach him for making such a rubbish bet! I understand that Joe Sebok wants to back out and I don’t blame him. Besides, this will affect their performances in the tournament. If I was playing against them and I had more chips than them I would stick them all in whenever I fancied. Would they be happy calling with pocket 10s preflop? Percentages would go out the window when they are facing the tattooist.
The second challenge was issued a while back but it only recently aired on ESPN. It was made by Antonio Esfandiari to Phil Hellmuth and it happened during the European WSOP after Esfandiari knocked Hellmuth out. Hellmuth held J-8 against Esfandiari’s Q-J and he called all-in on a board of 8-10-Q-10-10. Despite having a worse hand before the flop, on the flop, on the turn and on the river, Hellmuth threw his toys out of the pram and whinged: “How the f**k do you get so lucky and hit a 10 so you can move in there?” He then bitched and moaned, in typical Hellmuth style and so Esfandiari offered to play him heads up for $100’000. Nothing new here – a lot of Hellmuth’s outbursts end with a challenge to play for money and it is at this point that he usually bottles it and pipes up. But this challenge had an interesting twist: the winner would also shoot the loser with a taser gun.
Now that would be funny to watch. I don’t know if Hellmuth accepted but I presume he did not. Maybe he should accept and use it as publicity for his book “Kill Phil”.
Anyway, on to the big news of the weekend: tonight Eastenders celebrates its 25th birthday. That’s 25 years of bleakness, misery and depression. But I am being harsh here. I cannot seriously disparage a programme which has brought us Frank Butcher, Nick Cotton and the king of the web-cam – old finger licking Dirty Den.
I confess - I have been watching Eastenders lately. Having not watched it for years I started tuning in again for the sole reason that Phil Mitchell had lapsed back into alcoholism. Phil Mitchell, it must be said, is the greatest piss artist in the world*. And in the spring of 2009 he provided all sorts of amusement when he fell off the wagon. Much to my chagrin, he climbed back on but it was too late by then. I had started watching again and the scriptwriters’ cunning plan to get the viewers back had worked.
* remember the cake at his son’s birthday party? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMkSskKycyA
The producers are getting quite excited about this 25 years malarkey. Recently they have even had a countdown of the top 100 “duff duff” moments (for “duff duff” read “endings” if you don’t watch Eastenders). If you were watching Eastenders last night you will have seen an hour long special where there were two weddings - Ricky & Bianca and Bradley & Stacey. Ah, isn’t that sweet…
Well no, actually. Eastenders is getting so far-fetched, I thought. Two gingers getting married on the same day? Come off it, what is the chances of that happening in real life? And another thing, everyone knows that gingers turn milk sour, so why would the BBC’s Health & Safety department risk two in the same area at once, let alone on screen together? That sort of irresponsibility could lead to a whole herd of cows dying. Plus it’s the other actors I feel sorry for - two gingers - the smell of piss must have been terrible - like a CS gas cannister going off in a mini. Shocking.
Just kidding.
Anyway, in tonight’s episode they will be revealing who murdered Archie Mitchell on Christmas Day. And it will be filmed live! It should be interesting. If an actor is in one scene in the Queen Vic and then has to be in the Square, he will have to leg it out there to make his scene on time. So I will be watching keenly to see if Phil Mitchell has any beads of sweat on his forehead when he appears in scenes close together. Now I admit I have been following but I really have no idea who battered Archie to death with the bust of Queen Victoria that sits on the bar. So many characters had a good motive that I just can’t pick the murderer. So I have a very open book on “Who Dunnit”.
Jack Branning – 7/2
Ronnie Mitchell – 4/1
Peggy Mitchell – 4/1
Bradley Branning – 5/1
Janine Butcher – 6/1
Phil Mitchell – 10/1
Stacy Branning – 10/1
Ryan Malloy – 12/1
Ian Beale – 16/1
Sam Mitchell - 16/1
Jean Slater – 25/1
Max Branning – 50/1
Roxy Mitchell – 50/1
Billy Mitchell – 50/1
Lucas Johnson (for his hatrick) – 100/1
Pat Butcher – 100/1
Minty – 100/1
Minty’s ex-missus – 500/1
Minty’s ex-missus son (the one in the wheelchair) – 1000/1
Patrick Trueman – 1000/1
Nick Cotton - 1000/1
Dotty Cotton – 2000/1
Dot Cotton – 5000/1
Tiffany Butcher – 10000/1
I’ve got Peggy in a bit shorter than I would because I know she leaves the show for good but as I said it was Jack right from the start I will be sticking with him as my tip.
Just as importantly though I will be watching to see which actors lose their bottle and fluff their lines, or fall over or something. If the actors’ characters were anything to go by I would make snivelling Ian Beale my favourite to fluff his lines. But to be fair, he has been in the programme for 25 years and is probably quite good at remembering scripts. But you never know.
Better still, Robbie (Dean Gaffney) has put in cameo appearances in the last couple of episodes. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if Gaffney sprinted out of the Queen Vic in a rush and smashed his handsomely chiselled face onto the kerb?
Now that would definitely be a top 100 duff-duff moment.